Governor Martinez Eyes Public Executioners as Growth Industry for New Mexico

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Las Cruces — New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez announced today she is calling a Special Session of the Legislature to address the state’s crumbling economic situation. To no one’s surprise, she added the issue of reinstatement of the death penalty in her proclamation of subjects to be covered in the Session.

Criticized by many, particularly Democrats, in pushing for the death penalty at a time of budgetary crisis, the Governor responded that the process of public execution is filled with “job creation” opportunities that can help lower the state’s high unemployment rate (6.6% percent in August). “I’m not bringing this topic up because of any cheap political hay I can make from recent horrific crimes and criminals. Absolutely not. Instead, it has everything to do with helping New Mexicans recover from our continued economic downturn.”

The Governor went on to explain that pursuance of the death penalty not only arguably serves as a crime deterrent, rids society, and prisons, of its most heinous offenders, and “makes us feel at least a tiny bit better than some scumbag is dead,” the industry surrounding the death penalty is filled with job growth opportunities.

“Naturally, there are the direct service occupations tied to carrying out death sentences, such as hangmen, firing squad participants, that sort of thing, depending on which way we want to go. Personally, I think lethal injection is on the way out, as the recent shortages of drugs to get the job done show. Besides, Big Pharma doesn’t need any more help. Instead, let’s put food on New Mexican family tables and shore up the state’s revenue stream by creating jobs in the classic ‘executioner’ model of economic development.”

In addition, the Governor argued that services tied to the death penalty would also benefit, including attorneys guaranteed years and years of appeal process “billable hours,” overtime pay granted to journalists covering executions, and non-profit executive directors and staff leading fights on either side of the issue. “Extending the work day until Midnight, from time to time, helps put more ‘jingle’ in New Mexicans’ pockets and bank accounts. We have to consider innovative job creation ideas in these wintry economic times, and the death penalty may sound ‘old-fashioned,’ but is really a forward-thinking economic driver for New Mexico’s future.”

It is with such innovations in mind, the Governor added, that other subjects to be covered at the Special Session will include making illegal the sale of alcoholic beverages, repeal of Habeas Corpus and declaring that certain New Mexicans will only count as 3/5ths of a person for purposes of apportioning representatives. “Regarding the 3/5th idea, I’m flexible and not stuck on picking one group for such designation. I know this may shock my critics who see me as intransigent, but I’m open to new ideas. I always have been.”

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